Reduce Perfectionism When You Stop Saying “I’m Sorry”
3 Steps to Replace Apologies with Gratitude
“I’m sorry I took so long,” I gasped as I stumbled toward the front door with my jacket half on. “You don’t need to apologize. You’re not late,” my husband said.
That moment made me wonder, “How often do I say ‘I’m sorry’?” When I explored this question, I realized that I’m a chronic apologizer.
But worse, I’m a chronic self-blamer. When something’s not my ideal experience, I take responsibility and blurt out an apology.
1. Become Aware of Automatic Apologies
To help me change my behavior, I began noticing when I say “sorry.” Here are examples:
“I’m sorry for the trouble” - what I said to the pizza clerk as he fumbled around computer screens to enter my coupon.
“I’m sorry for interrupting”- when I knocked on my supervisor’s door to ask a question.
“Oops, sorry about that” – to a woman who almost bumped into me as I exited the bathroom.
“I’m sorry for complaining” – to my friend after I vented about a work problem.
“I’m sorry. I’m in the middle of something” - when my coworker stopped by my desk and began asking me a question.
I quickly realized that I needlessly say “sorry” at least a dozen times a day.
2. Recognize the Self-Blaming Habit
I began pinpointing the thoughts preceding my “I’m sorry.”
When I told the pizza clerk, “I’m sorry for the trouble,” I was thinking, “I shouldn’t have presented my coupon. I’m the reason the sales transaction is taking five times longer than usual. I’m frustrating him, and I’m delaying the customer line.”
When I blame myself in a situation, my thoughts follow this format: “I shouldn’t have done a, b, or c” or “I should have done x. y or z.”
“If my husband is driving us somewhere, I should arrive at the front door before he does.”
“My supervisor is focusing on her work, I shouldn’t bother her with questions.”
“I should have been more cautious. If I had not rushed out the bathroom, we wouldn’t have almost collided into each other.”
“I shouldn’t burden other people with my troubles.”
“When a coworker has a request, I should stop what I’m doing and help her.”
Whenever I think “I shouldn’t have” or “I should have,” this makes me believe “I did something wrong.” These lightning speed thoughts precede each automatic apology.
But here’s the source of my self-blaming: perfectionism.
In each situation, I have an expectation for my ideal experience. This is because I expect myself to behave perfectly and that I shouldn’t inconvenience other people.
When my ideal experience doesn’t occur, I believe “If I had acted perfectly, this situation’s hiccup wouldn’t have occurred.” This is why when I find something wrong in an experience, I automatically assume I’m at fault and I apologize.
3. Replace Apologies with Gratitude
To reduce needless apologies, I adopted “thank you” as my go-to phrase. “Thank you for your patience” and “thank you for your understanding” are common alternatives to saying “I’m sorry.”
Here are more examples:
“Thank you for waiting” - what I say to my husband when I arrive to the front door after him.
“Thank you for your help” - to the cashier when he’s searching for the coupon computer screen.
“Thank you for listening” - to my friend after I vent about my workload.
When I say “thank you,” I express gratitude for the person. This tiny change reduces the belief that I’m someone who inconveniences other people.
When saying “thank you” feels awkward, I may say “thank goodness,” “I’m grateful,” or “I’d love to” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” Here are examples:
“Thank goodness we didn’t crash into each other” - when the door almost slammed into my face as I exited the bathroom.
“I’d love to ask you a question right now” - when I knock on my supervisor’s door.
Each time I express gratitude, I remind myself of this purpose: “I’m building an appreciation habit and shrinking a fault-finding habit. I’m recognizing something good that exists in the situation instead of habitually identifying something wrong. I’m reducing my perfectionism and raising my self-esteem.”
Taking It Further: Notice When You Seek Validation
When I apologize, I often receive a benefit. This is one reason why I’ve been a chronic apologizer for such a long time. When I say “I’m sorry,” one out of three times, the person affirms me. They often say “You don’t need to apologize.”
Because I blame myself when situations are not my ideal experience, I automatically apologize. But each apology is a plea for the person to tell me “You didn’t do anything wrong.” When I receive validation, it deceives me into thinking “It’s good to apologize.”
Your Turn
Notice when you say “sorry.” Are you subconsciously blaming yourself for the situation?
Express gratitude to the other person such as saying “Thank you for your patience.”
Remind yourself, “I didn’t do anything wrong. I have a chronic apology habit that makes me believe I did something wrong. When I change how I talk, I reduce my self-blaming. This small shift in how I speak reduces my expectations for perfect situations.”
Best wishes,
Jenny
P.S. March 4th is my eight-year anniversary of my book, I am a Golden Buddha: A Journey from Self-Criticism to Inner Peace. My book has 47 five-star Amazon reviews and is praised by creative luminaries such as Sabrina Ward Harrison, Alena Hennessy, Rachel Awes, and Jill Badonsky. The above article will be the third chapter in my upcoming book.
One of the many things I like about your writing Jenny, is that not only you're very perceptive, but always add some action or strategy to reframe the behavior into a positive angle, or to the next level.
In this case, I became aware of using "I'm sorry" too much a few years ago, so I decided to either eliminate it or trade it for more neutral words. But you suggesting that we use gratitude as replacements is genius and spot-on. Thank you!
And actually, Mexican culture is extremely apologetic and something I've been advocating that we get rid, starting with language.
Finally, didn't know you had already written a book, is there a digital version I can buy somewhere? Since the current version doesn't ship to Mexico.