The Magic Ratio That Protects Your Inner Peace (Especially During the Holidays)

This self-kindness habit will help you feel calmer, lighter, and less irritated

Hello friends,

Here’s a small habit that makes a big difference:

When you feel annoyed at someone, balance that one negative thought with a handful of positives. This stops irritation from turning into resentment and keeps the moment from becoming a bad mood that ruins your day.

I first heard the idea (in a different form) from Dr. John Gottman. For every negative comment you say to your spouse, tell them five positive things. Gottman’s research shows that in strong relationships, individuals say and think more positive things about each other than negative ones.

I’ve used this “magic ratio” for years in my marriage. But lately, I’ve been applying it everywhere such as with family, colleagues, strangers, and even the people who push my buttons. It’s not about excusing poor behavior. It’s about stopping a single irritation from turning into a story you carry around all week.

Why the Magic Ratio Works

The habit works because it interrupts a tiny but dangerous process: one negative thought can swell into a whole narrative: “They’re always like this. I’m never understood. We’re not compatible.” When you deliberately find a handful of positives, you don’t erase the negative, you prevent it from becoming the defining story. This habit keeps a moment a moment, instead of letting it become the story of who someone is or who you are in relation to them.

This is a self-kindness practice because the benefits happen to you first. When you stop letting annoyance turn into resentment, you argue less, you don’t replay the unfairness or frustration you felt, and you sleep better. You conserve your energy. That’s kindness toward yourself.

Holiday Moments Where This Helps

The holidays are stressful. We’re busier than usual, we have high expectations for ourselves and others, and every place we go is crowded. Here are concrete moments where the handful-of-positives habit protects you.

• Someone arrives late to your gathering. First thought: “They’re inconsiderate.” Pause. Handful of positives: “They brought their energy. They traveled to be here. They look happy to see us. Maybe their traffic was bad. They brought dessert.” You turn judgment into grace.

• A relative criticizes your choices. Immediate impulse: “They always judge me.” Pause. Handful of positives: “They mean well. They care about family traditions. They’re nervous about the holidays. They show up even when it’s hard. They know old family stories.” You still notice the comment, but it won’t snowball into a story about who you are.

• You feel judged while gift-shopping on a budget. Thought: “I’ll disappoint them.” Pause. Handful of positives: “My gifts are thoughtful. I’m generous in other ways. I know their favorite thing. My time matters more than a price tag. My relationship isn’t a receipt.” Your choices align with your values, not your fear.

• Someone moves slowly at checkout. Thought: “Why is this person holding everyone up?” Pause. Handful of positives: “Maybe they’re learning. Maybe they’re distracted. Maybe they’re taking extra care with money. Maybe they’re elderly. Maybe they’re having a hard day.” Those intentional thoughts give you room to be patient.

Each example shows how naming plausible positives doesn’t excuse a person’s behavior. It simply keeps the moment from seeding a long, toxic story inside you.

Your Turn: Try This Habit This Week

This is a simple practice you can use throughout the holidays and all year.

1. Notice: When you feel annoyed at someone, notice it without judgment. Awareness is the first step.

2. Pause: Take a deep breath or two. Give yourself a short break before reacting.

3. Name a handful of positives: Think of three to five things that could be true about that person even small things: “They showed up. They’re tired. They’re trying. They don’t realize. They care in their own way.”

4. Decide an action (optional): If something needs fixing, speak calmly. If not, let the moment pass.

5. Reflect for three minutes: At the end of the day, jot: “Today I judged X. The positives I found were… After trying this, I felt…” Notice the pattern.

Do this a few times over the next week. Pay attention to the small changes: are conversations less sharp? Are you less likely to replay a comment as proof of someone’s character? Do you sleep lighter?

This habit is quiet but powerful. It asks you to be curious instead of accusatory and generous instead of defensive. You’re not doing it for anyone else. You’re doing it so your day, your relationships, and your inner life don’t get weighed down by tiny resentments.

Sending you love,

Jenny

P.S. Did you know I’m working on my second book? It’s called Stop Saying Sorry and Start Trusting That You’re Good Enough. I’ve written five chapters and drawn eight illlustations. You can join my Sneak Peek newsletter for free at subscribepage.io/sorrytrackingsheet. The immediate welcome email includes a link to read my book manuscript, download illustrations you can frame, and print the Sorry Tracking Sheet. In the upcoming Sneak Peek newsletter, I’ll share three lessons I’ve learned about creativity from writing my book.