A Question-Asking Habit that Subtly Devalues Yourself
How to Start Telling People What You Want in 4 Steps
One evening, my husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. I turned to him and asked, “Would you like ice cream?” He shook his head and said, “No.”
Disappointed, I replied, “Actually, I was hoping you’d say ‘yes,’ because I really want ice cream.”
This situation made me realize I don’t tell people what I want. Instead, I frame my desire as a question: I ask the other person what they prefer.
When I repeatedly ask preference-seeking questions, I habitually suppress my own wishes.
1. Notice the Desire-Disguised Question
I began noticing when I ask someone a question instead of directly stating my wish.
These questions often contain the word “you” and start with phrases such as “Are you interested in…,” “Do you want to…,” and “Would you like to…”
For example,
I ask a friend, “Do you want to eat at Thai Siam?” when I’m craving the restaurant’s Massaman curry dish.
I ask my husband, “What do you want to watch tonight?” When he asks me, “Jenny, what do you want to watch tonight?”, I realize I want to watch The Simpsons TV show.
I ask a co-worker: “Do you want to go first?” even though I want to go after her.
2. Voice an “I” statement and a “You” Question
When my question hides my preference, I identify what I want. Then, I voice an “I” statement that tells the person what I want. Next, I ask a “you” question to see if they’re interested.
Instead of asking my husband “Do you want ice cream?” I could have said, “I would like ice cream. How about you?”
Here are examples of this “I” and “you” model:
“I’m interested in eating at Thai Siam tonight. Do you want to too?”
“I want to watch The Simpsons tonight. Are you interested in this?
“I’d like to go second. How does this sound to you?”
3. Exercise Increased Confidence
After I became more comfortable voicing my wishes, I only said the “I” statement and I omitted the “you” statement. For example, I would say, “This weekend, I want to go to the farmer’s market together.”
I wouldn’t say anything else. I didn’t tack on rambling explanations that qualified my declared wish. I didn’t say, “Only if you want to.” or “Will that be okay?” or “I can go by myself if you’re not interested.”
In my mind, I counted to five. I let there be five seconds of silence after I spoke. I paid attention to how my lone “I” statement felt.
4. Practice Self-Awareness
Over time, I noticed the worries that arose during those silent moments: “They’ll think I’m selfish, presumptuous, or too bold.”
As a kid, I was often scolded for expressing my wishes. Adults would snap, “Why would you even ask for that? Why are you being a pain?”
Over time, I associated the act of asserting myself with being bothersome or bossy. I stopped voicing what I wanted. I strove to be agreeable for the convenience of others.
I prioritized other people’s preferences by deferring decisions to others. But deference is the act of yielding to the judgment of people I recognize as my superiors.
I’m forty-five years old. But emotionally, I’m still a fearful, people pleasing six-year old who treats everyone as my superior. I reinforce this invisible hierarchy whenever I disguise a wish as a question.
Taking it Further: Cultivating an Inward Reflection Habit
After I adopted the “I” and “you” phrases, I identified a related preference-deferring habit.
Whenever a friend asks me, “What do you want to do?”, my default answer used to be, “Whatever you want.” But this deflection demonstrates that when other people are involved, I don’t even bother to look inward to identify my wishes.
Now, when asked, I remind myself, “My friend is sincerely seeking my opinion. When I tell her what I want, I make the conversation efficient. More importantly, I strengthen my habit of asking myself what I want.”
To help me strengthen my self-prioritization skill, I prepare myself before I see a friend, family member, or work colleague. Before our meeting, I ask myself, “What do I want?” My private self-reflection helps me to voice a preference when they ask. This habit has helped me to prioritize my wishes when other people are involved.
Your Turn
Notice when you ask someone a question instead of directly stating your wish. Record the questions on a note or your phone. After a day or two, you’ll have a list.
Practice an “I” and “you” statement such as “I’m interested in… Do you want to too?” When you preselect your go-to phrase, it makes it easier to change your behavior.
After you’re more comfortable voicing your wishes, challenge yourself to only state your “I” statement. Omit the “you” statement. Pay attention to how your lone “I” statement feels.
Notice the worries that arise after you state your solo “I” statement. For example, if you’re afraid people will think you’re bossy, remind yourself, “I’m not bossy for voicing my preferences. When I tell people what I want, I build my self-confidence, validate my wishes, make conversations more efficient, and model assertive behavior for others.”
Best wishes to you in asserting your wishes,
Jenny
Self-Confidence Cafes
P.S. I’m facilitating free hour-long events. We’ll explore how small changes to how we speak can boost our self-confidence. Upcoming one: Saturday, 4/6/24 at 1 pm EST.
Join https://jennymesserle.com/sneak-peek to receive registration details.
Possible topics:
Negative self-talk we want to change when pursuing goals
Subtle words we use to minimize ourselves
This is wonderful jenny! I have to believe that there is a way to be considerate and kind to ourselves while being considerate and kind to others at the same time. That we don't have to diminish ourselves to be good to others. I am going to be paying more attention to this. :-)
...great advice...i am so bad at this i realized as i read through all your example...what a selfish dingus i am lol...it's funny because in my heart the deference is in honor of my friends and family when in reality it is just a fully passive cop out...thanks for the reminder to be better and more thoughtful/selfish in order to be more thoughtful/selfless...