An alternative to the “I’m not good enough” belief
Choose a belief that makes life easier
Hello friends,
There are two ways I can live my life:
Believe “I'm not good enough.” Then, I interpret other people's actions to reinforce this belief “Jenny, you're not good enough. People do not like what you write.”
I live my life believing, “I am good enough.” When the shaming voice arises and says “What you write doesn't have value,” I can choose this second thought path. I can remind myself, “My brain has a negativity bias and a bias towards personalizing things. Those biases make me believe that other people's actions are clues about me. But their actions may be unrelated to me.”
As a writer, an artist, and content creator, it's easy to doubt the value of what I create and doubt my potential. Here are two situations that spawn self-doubt for me:
Friend Unsubscribes
When a friend unsubscribes from my email newsletter, I’m heart broken for days.
I don’t sell products or services. My newsletters are filled with my ideas. So when a friend unsubscribes, I think, “She's not interested in what’s important to me. Maybe we’ve grown apart and we’re not meant to be friends anymore.” But those thoughts originate from my first thought path of “Jenny, you're not good enough” and looking for reasons why a person’s actions indicate whether I have value.
But when I choose the second thought path, I explore ideas such a “Her action may be unrelated to me. Maybe she doesn't want to read about self-compassion. Maybe she wants to focus on slow productivity or marketing tips. She may be centering herself. Maybe she's unsubscribing from all email lists.”
Friend Unrecommends
A friend of mine recommends seventeen email newsletters. At one point, he recommended my Self-Compassionate Soul newsletter.
But I recently learned that he removed my newsletter from his recommended list. When I discovered this, I felt deflated. I thought, “Maybe he no longer finds value in what I write. Maybe my content has gotten worse. Maybe my writing isn’t as good as the other newsletters he recommends.”
Then I reminded myself to choose the second thought path. “Maybe it's a business decision. He may have shortened his recommended list to newsletters with similar target audiences. Maybe he removed my newsletter when I announced my publishing sabbatical last April.”
Gentle Reminder
Whenever I hear the voice “I’m not good enough,” I can remind myself: Choose the second thought path. Choose a new story to tell myself. Choose the path of self-kindness.
Inspiration
This article is inspired by a Stephen King interview.
The interviewer asked Stephen King, “Do you believe in God?” Stephen King replied, “I believe in God because life is easier if I believe in God.”
If I continually choose this belief “I’m good enough,” my life will be easier.
Best wishes,
Jenny
This is such helpful advice Jenny! More people should talk about this, and love how you touched on it with your gentle, helpful and kind voice. You used some very resonating examples for me, and it's also something we see everywhere, from people not returning calls or not coming. We shouldn't abscribe things that are not there, or make it about ourselves. It's (almost) never about me!
It also made think of two things. Hanlon's razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" (substitute "malice" and "stupidity" with anything that is not related to me haha. And also this funny Craig Mod paragraph that I have saved:
"Don’t get notified when anyone unsubscribes from anything. I can’t believe some newsletter / membership software DEFAULTS — d e f a u l t s — to emailing you when someone unsubscribes or cancels a membership. are. you. mad? Who are these Sadist Engineers of the Fifth Circle of Hell setting these defaults? The quickest route to declining mental health is to open yourself up to this attack vector. Close it down and keep it shut. Members leave for all sorts of reasons, and “you suck and are a dumb dumb and I hate you” is almost certainly not the (main?) one. (Though it is the one your mind will scream at you upon arrival of each unsubscribe email.)"
And know that I love what your write!! (even if I can't always read or comment)
You are AMAZING Jenny! Worthy and awesome! Just recommended your newsletter, not because of this post, but because I've genuinely fallen in love with your words and soul!